At Odds

The last day and a half has been extremely hard. I have never claimed to be perfect, but my attitude the last almost 36 hours has not even been close to perfect. It’s been horrible. After I had proclaimed that Nicholas has been listening and behaving really well, he decided to test EVERYTHING! It had been non-stop testing this entire time and I did not handle it well. First, I had zero patience. Second, I showed him no grace and very little forgiveness. I took everything he did personally, which made both of us miserable. Because yesterday afternoon was beyond awful, I probably set the tone for this morning’s “fun”.

Finally, this afternoon something snapped – my attitude slapping me right back in the face. This little boy was looking to me for love and guidance, but it was obvious that all he was getting was disgust and anger. So, I went and sat on my bed and got an attitude check. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for wisdom. Basically, I prayed the ugly out. While it is true that Nicholas was testing me, I was surely failing in the reaction department. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I’m teaching him skills that may need to be reviewed over and over again. Why do I expect perfection right away? As I stated in the beginning, I’m not perfect, so why do I expect him to be?

So, I decided to look at my child differently. I changed my tone. I extended more grace and I got better responses. Go figure. We had a pretty good night while Evan was away taking his final. Once bed time hit I had another decision to make. This is an area that has regressed in the last day or so. He has decided that he wants a snack or to come downstairs, so we get frustrated and inconsistent, which leads to headaches all around.

Tonight I looked him in the eye and I saw a little fear. Something about bedtime was scaring him, so I did something different. As the verse John 15:13 was sung in the background of his (my) iPOD, I was reminded of what we are called to do: “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” It’s not about me. It’s not about winning the control game. It’s about Nicholas’ (and my own) heart. So, I sat next to his bed and helped him to relax. As he got comfortable, I moved closer to the door. He watched me, but was able to relax further. Finally, I was able to sit outside the door. I ignored the few times he got out of bed to see if I was still there (that’s grace). I was finally able to go downstairs and he was able to fall asleep the rest of the way on his own.

I felt redeemed tonight. Too often when I screw up, I beat myself up about it. But, I knew that I could change my attitude and remember this past day and a half as a place I didn’t want to return. I never thought motherhood would be easy, but I don’t think I was truly ready for how much I would learn about myself.

Kristin