Better Than I Planned: Open

A lot of people are intrigued by the fact that Daniel’s adoption is open. It is open in the sense that we know identifying information about the birth parents and they know the same about us. Also, we've met and spent time with them prior to Daniel’s birth, as well as at the hospital.

In fact, for the last 7+ months I have been sending pictures to Daniel’s birth mother’s mother. Our first visit after Daniel was born happened over four months ago with J and her parents at a local mall. Our social worker also joined us for that visit, but there was no awkwardness.

J and her parents were able to hold Daniel and ask us questions about how he was doing. We were interested to hear about their lives as well. I hate when people make it look like J is the bad guy. In our book, she is one of the bravest and most selfless people we know. She gave us a precious gift because she knew that she was not ready to be a mother. She found herself in a situation where many people in today’s world could find themselves. Her parents also were brave and supported their daughter.

After having a good visit back in August, we didn't know if/when we would see J again. I received an e-mail in October or November asking if they could have another visit. Evan and I talked about it and we thought it was good for J to see him then. The last few months he has been at a cute stage and will smile at almost anyone.

So, we found a good location and set up a time around Thanksgiving. Again, everything went smooth. They took turns holding him the entire hour and a half we were there. Nicholas also joined us and did pretty well sitting for that long (it helped that we fed him lunch). J and her parents were really good about including Nicholas in the conversation too.

As we were leaving they expressed an interest in getting together around Christmas. They wanted to give a gift to both Daniel and Nicholas. We understood their feelings and we both went home to work on finding a date that we could agree upon. That happened right before New Year’s. It was very comfortable again. They blessed Nicholas with a nice police Matchb*x set and Daniel with a nice Step 2* toy.

I made J a photo book online of Daniel’s first 6 months. I made sure he was the only one in the pictures. While everything is comfortable, I truly don’t know how J feels once she leaves the restaurant. I think it helps that she and her family get to see him every so often. But, it still has to be difficult watching him grow up without them. It is a weird feeling for us too. It is not threatening just interesting when you think about it. I don’t know when our next visit will be, but I do know that there will be another visit.

I am grateful for both of my children’s birth mothers. Both chose life for their children when they could have chosen the alternative. Both are people we hold in high esteem. While we don’t know 100% of the whys in Nicholas’ situation, we can speculate, and we know that Nicholas’ birth mom’s decision was probably incredibly hard for her. So, I hope that when people talk about our boys’ birth mothers that they respect them as the women that chose life for Nicholas and Daniel. Especially as they get older, it is important that the comments are uplifting and kind. I know people mean well and want to make it look like these women were crazy to “give up” their children, but they made a loving decision and placed them for adoption because they knew that they couldn't provide them with what they needed. Right now, Nicholas hears everything and understands more than you think.

A month or two ago, Nicholas was actually going through a hard time of trying to understand how Daniel has his birth mother in his life and the fact that he may never see his own again. We were both crying at the kitchen table as we talked about it. I told him that he can continue to pray for her and that God knows all about her. He should bring his questions and his worries to God, but we may not know any answers until heaven.

I did ask him what he would like to say to his birth mother if he saw her again. He simply said, “I would tell her ‘I love you’.” That’s why I ask that people be sensitive when talking about these women. Our sons will probably always love their birth mothers and that is good.

Years ago I didn't truly understand open adoptions and that is a big reason I give people grace in their own attitudes and judgments. As Daniel gets older, I don’t know what it will look like or what he’ll want, but so far it has been a positive experience for us.

I’ll leave you with a few pictures of the boys and their gifts from J and her family.