Never Give Up

Things are moving in the adoption, but unfortunately, at a snail’s pace. We recently found out that it takes about 6 months for Nicholas to obtain his Russian citizenship. Yes, 6 months! That number was like a punch in the gut when I read it. This six month period would not be so bad if it was six months from last October, but it’s probably not . . . At this rate, we may not go back until September or October. This news was difficult to hear, but we will do anything to bring Nicholas home, even if it means all we can do is wait and pray.

We don’t know what God is going to do in this situation. We don’t know His timeline. He can expedite this process for us, or he can choose to let us wait some more. The last six months we feel like some areas have been on stand-by. Well, now is the time to just start living. I will continue to find a job. Evan will be looking as well. If we aren’t going back until fall, we have to make the most of our wait. Evan will be able to take both of his classes this summer, although we’ll have to figure something out for the fall.

I do have a tendency to over-think everything! I guess that’s where I find myself needing a heart-check. Am I having faith in God or having faith in myself? I worry about Evan’s schooling, his job, my job (or lack of one), more holidays passing us by. But, deep down I know it will all work out. God has taken care of us so far. Things may not be how we pictured them to be, but I’ve never once felt like God abandoned us.

And, he also hasn’t abandoned Nicholas. He has now been in our hearts for a year! He is so deeply loved by us – a love that was a decision we made. We knew that God had placed him in our lives and we daily give Nicholas back to Him. This child is loved so much because we feel like God has entrusted us with Nicholas. It is our duty to love him and pray for him.

I said in a recent post that I was okay if God closed my womb for good and I meant it. Because I learned that sharing DNA is not the most important thing in life. Sure, it’s neat to see who the child will look like, but isn’t being a parent to someone more than just having the same eyes? How many people in your life do you love that are not blood? Love is a decision. When God called us to adoption, he called us to open our hearts. Every day when I pray for Nicholas, I am praying as a parent would for her child. When I dream about siblings for Nicholas (even though he isn’t home yet), I often dream of where God will lead us to adopt next. That’s just where my heart is now. Would we accept the blessing of a biological child? Sure, because it is from God (and we wouldn’t have to travel as far). I guess what we have learned is that we are open to God’s plan for having children – whether it is biological or adopted – they are all entrusted to us by God.

I do want to say this - I sometimes type my blogs over several days. Sometimes I don’t have enough to say that day and other days I need more time to process what I want to say. So, we heard about this potential six month wait on Wednesday. I’ve had a couple days now to pray and think about it. It definitely isn’t an ideal situation, but it is something beyond our control. My sister recently gave me two books to read by Marilyn Hontz: “Shame Lifter” and “Listening for God”. I highly recommend both books. I cried through both of them. In fact, as I finished the second book today I really felt God speaking to me. I heard him say, “Kristin, your needs have always been taken care of and sometimes you take that for granted. Now that there is so much uncertainty in your life, I want you to truly see how I will take care of you. I want you to trust me completely.” That’s so hard for me to do. I have no job and we wonder about the stability of Evan’s. Our adoption keeps getting longer and longer. Our medical forms are expiring again and our fingerprints (my least favorite part) will expire in August! These are the areas where I need to let go and give them to God. I have two desires right now: I want to grow closer to the Lord and I want Him to be glorified.

We may have to wait six months and we may not. Only God knows. One thing we have learned is that things can change at a moment’s notice. I do want to end on a final note though. Some people may wonder, “Is it worth it?” We may not bring Nicholas home until a year after our last trip. There have been so many headaches. Is it worth it? Of course it is! Nicholas deserves love and a family just like anyone else. What better testament of love can we give our son than to show him that we did not give up. We endured all the trials because we love him. We committed him to the Lord and we never stopped praying for him.

Our agency is trying to get Sergei to clarify when this six-month wait started. They are going to get all the facts, so we have a better idea what is going on. So, other than our addendum, which is needed for our CIS approval, we have stopped updating all paperwork. Most likely we will endure the adrenaline rush of doing it last minute. That’s okay. We’re seasoned pros.

So, instead of praying for May as I suggested in our last blog, just pray that we can persevere. Pray that we can have peace during this storm.

Kristin