Being Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone has a wonderful day with family and friends. I woke up feeling like this was just another Thanksgiving. I am not really a fan of this holiday. While I like turkey, I eat it enough every other day. I think mashed potatoes are okay and I don’t like stuffing. I like pie, but not the crust. Overall, overeating on this holiday is not something I have to worry about. I always enjoyed the time off from work (not a problem this year), ate the meal, and then onto the next day. So, I have thought all along that today would not bother me. Boy was I wrong!

Nicholas is supposed to be here with us and it kills me that he is not. As I have been saying in previous blogs, this is out of our control; there is nothing we can do. However, that does not take away all of the feelings of loss we are experiencing. There are days where I have no problems and I look forward to when he comes home. But, there are days where I sit in my bedroom and cry my eyes out. This situation is not fair! He is supposed to be home for the holidays.

I want this blog to be a real look at our journey through adoption. I think sometimes I am not letting the truth shine through well enough. It’s not easy. As Christmas draws closer, the pain becomes greater. I see toys that I think Nicholas would like. I dream about seeing him open his gifts. Odds are that this won’t happen until Christmas 2009. And, it hurts when our hopes are dashed. I found that my coping mechanism as of late seems to be apathy. Who cares? I don’t want to send out Christmas cards. I don’t want to put up the Christmas tree. I just want to get to next year.

I look at our situation now and I wonder why God has allowed it to happen this way? Well, the factual answer is that the Baby Home filled out the wrong form to get Nicholas’s citizenship. If they would have researched the situation better, this could have been avoided. I can accept that answer. I don’t blame the Baby Home. This situation was new to them. It was an innocent mistake. I just wished someone else would have caught it. It is the spiritual answer that I struggle with right now. Is it so we learn patience? Is it so we can learn that God is enough? I don’t know right now.

I know all the “right” answers that people give. I agree with them wholeheartedly. But, that doesn’t negate how much this hurts. Yes, we will have many more holidays with Nicholas. Yes, we will see him sooner than later. Yes, we are strengthening our faith. But, it hurts.

So, while today is a day to count our blessings and focus on what we are thankful for, I will be focusing on my blessing, Nicholas. As my heart aches for him today, I will be thankful that God gave us such a wonderful boy to love. But, I don’t have to like it that he’s not here.

Kristin